Chuck?

When the Steel City Con toy convention announced a few days ago that Chuck Norris himself would be making a rare convention appearance, we here at ArentYouChuckNorris.com were quite excited. But now the truth is out: the agent who claimed to represent Norris to the Steel City Con folks was a big liar and apparently made up the whole thing. So now Chuck Norris is officially NOT making a rare celebrity appearance at Steel City Con.

So here’s what this has to do with a free t-shirt. No Chuck Norris at Steel City Con means no Team members at Steel City Con. However, the show does have a whole line-up of celebrities scheduled to appear and therefore represents an important evidence-gathering opportunity. If you are planning to attend Steel City Con and wish to become an immediate and honorary Mission operative, we’ll give you a free t-shirt. All you have to do is send us a video of you asking Lou Ferrigno if he’s Chuck Norris. Easy as pie. If you’re interested, send us an email to confirm before the show. (We can’t be having dozens of people show up to ask the Hulk that question, that would be rude.) You complete the mission and we’ll post your video and a blog post written by you describing the incident. Oh yeah, and we’ll send you a free shirt too.

The video associated with this story is being prepped for distribution and will be posted asap here.

We’ve just received new video evidence in our quest to find Chuck Norris.
Imagine this: it’s Wednesday, August 20, and you’re enjoying a drink with several of your key associates at the Boca Raton Resort & Club’s Bar Luna.
You’re in Florida for a conference and it’s been a long day. Through the haze of your martini, you spot someone familiar across the room. You lean forward…is it…Steven Spielberg? No, by god, it’s Larry David! You know, the comedian/writer who was heavily involved in the creation of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

An ordinary man would’ve shrugged and waved down the waitress for another drink. But this is no ordinary man; this is one of the Team’s top operatives who, along with being a high level executive, has a lengthy list of Chuck Norris Mission credits to his name. He was present at the Flavor Flav sighting and has actually met Chuck Norris in person. While that meeting was 20 years ago, it is the sort of experience that changes you forever, wouldn’t you say? Since then, he has been tormented by an unsettling need to find Chuck again. Read the rest of this entry »

So we all know how Chuck Norris feels about illegal aliens and border security. He’s talking about it again in his column here. Notably, he uses the subject to promote his latest book, scheduled for release in September:

The second half of Norris’ article on border patrol actually contains a little preview of Black Belt Patriotism for your reading pleasure.

Sources confirm that Chuck Norris has been secretly training Michael Phelps since the 2004 Summer Olympics. Apparently, Norris was disappointed in Phelps’ inability to produce more than six gold medals in 2004. This disappointment was rooted in some old bad feelings Norris held towards Mark Spitz, whose 1972 achievements overshadowed the release of The Way of the Dragon, the Bruce Lee/Chuck Norris movie that is largely regarded as Norris’ first step into movie fame.

Under the careful guidance of Norris, and even perhaps a little Norris intervention on the 100-meter butterfly, Phelps won eight gold medals this time around—beating out Spitz’ record and confirming that the only real star of 1972 was one Chuck Norris.

Gizmodo.com reports that the Chinese anti-terrorism plan includes use of an army of Chuck Norris clones. Read the full story here.

Who says Southern California was due for an earthquake? Scientists, earthquake engineers…or those employed by the establishment to cover up the truth about what really moves the earth? One theory brought to the Team’s attention is that the recent earthquake in Southern California was the direct result of Chuck Norris anger. Or maybe he just hadn’t eaten his Activia in a few days.

Here’s the theory as submitted by one of our new recruits:

Chuck Norris is not a happy camper. Last Tuesday an earthquake hit Southern California at a measure of 5.4 on the Richter scale. Objects fell and buildings swayed as the wrath of Chuck Norris was released in earth-shattering form. With nunchakus in hand and a scowl on his face, Chuck immediately went to work once he heard the news—that Gameloft was taking advantage of poor souls in an attempt to gain cell phone fame and earn a few bucks at the same time, an action that trivializes Norris’ personal vendetta for Global Righteousness and Fitness. And so the Great One didn’t stand for it when he brought the pain to Californians…

Wait, hold up. Ginger here with a disclaimer: While we LOVE the enthusiasm of our young recruits, the above is not the official Team interpretation of the earthquake. We are still evaluating the evidence we have. Perhaps it was just a sign. Perhaps Chuck Norris was signaling to the world to watch out, watch out for The Mission. Because we represent what is truly good in this world. And besides, the earthquake wasn’t even that big anyways. Not to Chuck Norris.

Which one would you choose, Commando Chuck or Ranger Chuck?

(Personally Commando Chuck sounds much more aggressive and badass to me, no offense to those rangers out there.) Either way, you can choose a personality and start fighting communism in Chuck Norris’ new cell phone game: Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. Supposedly, cell phone users get to play the role of His Eminent Soldier for Global Righteousness and Fitness by shooting at dictators from around the world to reignite the furious flames of the Cold War. Wait, I mean, the razor sharp icicles of the Cold War.

Now, Mission supporters, members, and new timers… doesn’t this game seem a little… I don’t know… familiar??? Haven’t we seen something like this before? I think so:

Join the Mission Game

Don’t you see the similarities? Of course in our very own Join the Mission Game we do not have the nerve to place the game player in the identity of Chuck Norris. That would seem to be blasphemy or something. Anyway, let’s not get worked up about this. We should be applauding Gameloft (even though they’re copycats) for launching this new game; it’s rather daring, don’t you think? To go against the Mission and its indefinable power is, well, pretty ballsy. So although it angers me that these money- and power-hungry fiends would steal an idea from fate itself, I have decided not to Bring on the Pain. To send operatives after the Gameloft execs would be to go against the spirit of the Mission. And so we will let it be. We have far greater things to accomplish.

Prior to Jackson’s appearance in the studio for his “Fox & Friends” interview, it is believed that he was listening to some tunes on his iPod while reviewing the latest Mission materials. The combination of influences—will.i.am grooving through his earplugs and the power of Chuck Norris weighing heavily on his mind—stimulated Jackson’s creative power and he wrote a little jig on the spot. When he made the nasty little comment about Barack, it was just one of those uncontrollable outbursts that happens when a song’s stuck in your head. Nothing malicious at all.

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Chuck Norris has dropped the lawsuit against truth-seeker Ian Spector for publishing 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human, the book that attempts to make sense of the Great One. Initially Norris had said that the book tarnished his name through the use of base humor and lewd references. We say: tarnish or polish, what’s the difference?

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According to the Associated Press, a man and his dog drove off a 200-foot cliff in southern England Sunday morning, were ejected from the car, and survived. News reports say the man was found near his demolished vehicle, both legs broken and barely conscious. The dog had left the scene of the accident, but later turned up at the man’s house, hiding underneath the kitchen table.

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