Chuck?

As much as we enjoy the emails we receive from our fans…our research indicates that this photo submitted to us is perhaps not really Nicolas Cage or Chuck Norris, but in fact a wax replica. Further, we are not convinced that wax is a substance hardy enough to conceal the Great Chuck Norris. However, since we have not had the opportunity to test this theory (and are not willing to pour a bucket of hot wax on Chuck Norris for fear of dangerous repercussions), we put these questions to you, our faithful audience:

• Could the Theory of Chuck Norris be expanded to include not only famous people but also wax replicas of famous people?
• Is Nicolas Cage really that skinny?
• Have you ever talked to a wax figure and expected it to answer?
• Why is Chuck Norris’ head so big?

Long live the Mission.

I humbly and respectfully request that “The Team”; Blondie, Blackjack, Bookish, Dakota, Ginger, The Hammer and Deadwyler, post the following poll on your site:

Who would win in a fight, Chuck Norris or Mitch Rapp?

We all know that Mitch Rapp is no more a “fictional character” of a Vince Flynn novel than Chuck Norris is Richard Simmons’ life partner, so let’s keep it real folks! So what do you say? I would think that a team as sophisticated and educated as yours in the “theory of Chuck” would already know where this line of questioning is going. Could Chuck and Mitch indeed be the same person? You tell me.

-Mitch Rapp’s Bro

I have one question for those who follow us: notice anything missing? like any posts that suddenly have disappeared? posts that were definitely there and now they’re gone? (Sorry, that was more than one question.)

All I’m allowed to say is that Chuck Norris really does control the Internet. Some of our posts disappeared without my knowledge (presumably our hosting company was involved?) and another post I had to remove myself due to a “request” from Norris’ people. Perhaps they feel threatened by the groundswell we are creating.

When we launched this site earlier this year, we (the Team) accepted the possibility that we would get censored. This is just another obstacle we have to overcome in the fighting for the Mission to prove the Theory of Chuck Norris.

During a recent outing in Torrance California, I spotted Israel Sesay plopped in front of a flatscreen, waiting for an MLS soccer game to begin.

For those who are not soccer fans, Sesay plays for the Los Angeles Galaxy (home of David Beckham) and was one of the youngest players ever to play in Major League Soccer. He’s not a superstar the likes of Tom Cruise or Justin Timberlake, but still, he’s more famous than I am. So rather than come right out and ask him, “hey, aren’t you Chuck Norris?,” I took a more subtle approach. “Do you follow soccer?” I asked. That proved to be an effective icebreaker. From there, I pumped him for information about all of the drama surrounding his team currently: How’s the new coach working out? (he’s cool) Why aren’t you traveling with your team right now? (twisted ankle) Who’s the fittest dude on the team? (Chris Klein) You guys gonna make the playoffs? (we gotta win) …and so forth. His responses were enlightening. But more importantly, the conversation confirmed that this Israel Sesay definitely was not Chuck Norris.

No doubt you’ve seen the video of Chuck Norris boldly and rudely arguing with Arianna Huffington. Chuck interrupts, says weird things, laughs at her, blinds the viewing audience with his pearly white teeth and just generally makes a fool of himself. Ha, you say, this is your hero? This is the man who supposedly uses the jaws of life to pluck his brows?

The only thing is, that wasn’t Chuck Norris. It was the Obama Chuckbot. You know, like a fembot, but in the likeness of Chuck Norris.

Evidence indicates that Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey conceived the Chuckbot as a countermeasure to McCain’s astute appointment of Sarah Palin as his running mate. Given the effect Palin has had on the campaign, Obama knew he had to take quick and decisive action. Here’s what we know:

• A witness recently spotted Obama doodling “Chuck Norris” in bubbly, cursive writing on a notepad.
• Joe Biden was overheard telling Obama that it was crucial to get Chuck Norris on their side. It is believed, but not confirmed, that Obama began to cry when he Norris’ name was mentioned.
• Obama had a closed door meeting with Oprah Winfrey; evidence strongly suggests that the pair conceived of the bot idea and funded its development. You could almost say the bot is a love-child of sorts. Almost.
• The bot was sent on a mission to make a fool of itself by picking a childish fight with Arianna Huffington, thus bringing humiliation upon the McCain/Palin campaign.
• Obama was heard laughing maniacally as the Huffington/Norris altercation aired on Larry King Live
• The YouTube Video of Norris and Huffington has received 4,969 views; 4,962 of those were Obama (Oprah hasn’t seen it, because she only watches videos featuring Oprah Winfrey.)

You heard it first here.

In Arkansas over the weekend, a 15-year-old boy had his jaw broken by a Silver Asian carp. The boy was leaning over the edge of his inner tube when the fish jumped out of the water and smacked him in the face. He lost consciousness immediately and has since been put through oral surgery to wire some of his teeth back together. Click here for the full story.

Silver Asian carp are not native to the U.S.; they were brought here in the 1970s. Some theorize that a collection of these aggressive fish were given to Chuck Norris by the Chinese government as a peace offering, shortly after Norris appeared in Way of the Dragon with Bruce Lee. Under Norris’ nurturing and care, the Silver Asian carp have evolved in deadly fighting machines. It is unknown when Norris released the carp to the wild, but they’ve been kicking ass ever since.

The video associated with this story is being prepped for distribution and will be posted asap here.

We’ve just received new video evidence in our quest to find Chuck Norris.
Imagine this: it’s Wednesday, August 20, and you’re enjoying a drink with several of your key associates at the Boca Raton Resort & Club’s Bar Luna.
You’re in Florida for a conference and it’s been a long day. Through the haze of your martini, you spot someone familiar across the room. You lean forward…is it…Steven Spielberg? No, by god, it’s Larry David! You know, the comedian/writer who was heavily involved in the creation of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

An ordinary man would’ve shrugged and waved down the waitress for another drink. But this is no ordinary man; this is one of the Team’s top operatives who, along with being a high level executive, has a lengthy list of Chuck Norris Mission credits to his name. He was present at the Flavor Flav sighting and has actually met Chuck Norris in person. While that meeting was 20 years ago, it is the sort of experience that changes you forever, wouldn’t you say? Since then, he has been tormented by an unsettling need to find Chuck again. Read the rest of this entry »

So we all know how Chuck Norris feels about illegal aliens and border security. He’s talking about it again in his column here. Notably, he uses the subject to promote his latest book, scheduled for release in September:

The second half of Norris’ article on border patrol actually contains a little preview of Black Belt Patriotism for your reading pleasure.

Sources confirm that Chuck Norris has been secretly training Michael Phelps since the 2004 Summer Olympics. Apparently, Norris was disappointed in Phelps’ inability to produce more than six gold medals in 2004. This disappointment was rooted in some old bad feelings Norris held towards Mark Spitz, whose 1972 achievements overshadowed the release of The Way of the Dragon, the Bruce Lee/Chuck Norris movie that is largely regarded as Norris’ first step into movie fame.

Under the careful guidance of Norris, and even perhaps a little Norris intervention on the 100-meter butterfly, Phelps won eight gold medals this time around—beating out Spitz’ record and confirming that the only real star of 1972 was one Chuck Norris.

Gizmodo.com reports that the Chinese anti-terrorism plan includes use of an army of Chuck Norris clones. Read the full story here.