posted by Ginger on Apr 25
Several weeks ago, Ryan Seacrest spent a significant amount of time on his morning radio show talking to listeners about tattoos. The impetus for this conversation was Ryan’s need to, in his own words, “man up his image.” Hearing this, the Team immediately convened a series of meetings to decide if, possibly, we could help Ryan in his goal. After much discussion and debate, the Team ruled by a majority vote that we would reach out to Ryan Seacrest and offer him an inside invitation to join the Mission–which, in turn, would bestow upon him the manhood he so desperately desires. Given his access to celebrity personalities, such an alliance between Ryan Seacrest and the Team would be beneficial to all parties involved.
The Team recently sent an official communication to Ryan Seacrest, which has, to date, been ignored. This leads us to wonder whether Ryan Seacrest was disingenuous with his listeners. We must ask you, Ryan, what was all that talk about tattoos and manning up? If you were sincere in your desire to man up, why would you not graciously accept an invitation to join the manliest of all purposes (i.e., the Mission)?
Perhaps we were wrong about Ryan Seacrest. Perhaps he does not have the desire, the will, the dream–nay, the courage–to join this Mission.
Ginger, out.
posted by Ginger on Apr 25
Los Angeles area radio station KGGI 99.1 FM reported Friday, April 25, that Jessica Alba may be having second thoughts about marrying Cash Warren. The report indicated that Alba was overheard confiding in a family member that she wasn’t sure if marriage was the right course of action.
KGGI has not reported the full story, however. Mission operatives believe that Alba’s doubts arise from Warren’s connection to the Mission. She apparently is deeply disturbed by Warren’s obsession with one Chuck Norris and a mysterious group of people hopelessly dedicated to proving “some cockeyed theory.” She is concerned that at the moment he is supposed to say “I do,” Warren will instead ask her, “Aren’t You Chuck Norris?”
posted by Dakota on Apr 21
Our high level correspondent Fredman (cousin of Redman, brother of Coolman, married to Chuck’s niece’s daughter) has quickly proven his worth to the Mission. See the photo below and judge for yourself. Fredman’s identity has been concealed to preserve his effectiveness. When we asked Fredman where the photo was taken, he replied eloquently in Team vernacular: “Chuck once ran over my foot with a tractor, but I didn’t scream, because Chuck feels no pain and neither did I.”
posted by Blackjack on Apr 20
Evidence has been collected that Chuck Norris is a golf fan and may be expected to be in attendance in the gallery at important matches. Consider Ian Poulter’s hole in one on 16 at the recent Masters. The Team has documented video evidence (available only to Team members at this time) that the ball, hit with a nine iron from 169 yards, was about to continue past the hole. Instead, it abruptly stopped, fell, and rolled back to the hole? Why? It scared by Chuck Norris, barely in evidence at the back of the green. When retrieved, the ball exhibited a pattern in the dimples, which clearly appeared to be a look of terror.
posted by Ginger on Apr 17
It has recently been brought to our attention that there may be some relationship between Chuck Norris and the Lakers basketball team. One of our junior researchers has developed a great body of evidence indicating that Chuck Norris periodically uses Lakers’ home games to:
- further his efforts to cleanse society of things he doesn’t like (for example, gluttony, laziness, sloppiness, etc.)
- promote the Total Gym
Consider these facts. On April 15, 2008, the Lakers spanked the Sacramento Kings at Staples to lock the top seed in the Western Conference. During this game, our agents recorded the following incidents:
Read the rest of this entry »
posted by Blondie on Apr 12
Strange and disturbing news was received yesterday when my junior field scout called to report on news overheard in a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. A teen in the mid west has published a hit list which includes Chuck Norris, in addition to several classmates.
http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=2e04bb8b-d2f8-43f9-96ff-d38f5abc6e5e&entry=index&sid=rss_topstories&utm_source=eonline&utm_medium=rssfeeds&utm_campaign=rss_topstories
Is this some strange perversion of the mission? I contempate over a cocktail, but do not come to any conclusion. Perhaps an early morning at the gym will help. I find no nirvana on the stairstepper where I become distracted by Giada making a spring vegetable salad. On to the rowing machine which, with no television, allows for the the internalization of this information. 5,000 meters later I am only a little closer. This teen is clearly disturbed and may have reached the tipping point in his own quest to identify Chuck Norris within the immediacy of his circle. What I do know is that we must disavow pretenders to the Team and keep the Mission pure.
posted by Ginger on Apr 11
Although the White House would have you believe the much-talked-about image reflected in Dick Cheney’s glasses is only his hand, we have reason to believe otherwise. An early theory was that Chuck Norris (disguised as Dick Cheney) was moving so quickly that he captured his own reflection in the glasses. Later evidence uncovered by our Team (which we cannot share with you for security reasons) indicates that the person in the photo actually is Dick Cheney. But the reflection in Cheney’s glasses is none other than Chuck Norris’ bare foot flying through the air. It appears that Chuck Norris was demonstrating a lethal fighting move to the Administration for the purposes of training top secret operatives. See the smile on Dick’s face? He’s imaging a team of Chuck Norris-inspired commandos secretly kicking ass in faraway places.
posted by Bookish on Apr 11
I think that perhaps Chuck is the epitome of the postmodern condition. He is fragmented, discontinuous, and at once everywhere and nowhere. Postmodernists suggest that the world is created through language. Derrida points to the potential for perpetual deconstruction of language to illustrate that language, and thus our experiences, are ultimately all abstractions. Consider, however, the implication that this theory can be taken one step further. What if language constructs our experiences but there is something else that constructs language? Wouldn’t that “something else” be virtually “writing” our experiences of our world? As some point out (Foucault), the control of language is the exercise of ultimate power. Think about these linguistic phrases:
Chuckle
Chuck Wagon
Chuckwalla
Chuck beef
Drill chuck
Up chuck
“Chuck me that book”
woodchuck
chucky
chucklesome
And most damning, as I read to my son today I came across this:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Because of my knowledge of the Theory of Chuck Norris I see this as conditioning us from the time we are born for the eventual replacement of all language with “Chuck” (think of the scene in Being John Malkovich when John jumps into his own head). I don’t mean to sound sinister. This could be the beginning of a new era of peace and prosperity on earth. It is worth considering. Perhaps we have moved beyond the absolute Truth of Modernism, beyond the fragmentation of the postmodern, into an era of intellectual Chuckism. Perhaps while intellectuals and academics have been distracting themselves with theories of communication in the Internet age they have missed the beginning of the most profound theoretical shift that has or will ever occur. Perhaps we must now consider life in the age of Chuckism. Perhaps.
posted by admin on Apr 9
We often hear people asking this question when we explain our Mission and try to recruit new supporters. While we don’t quite understand the confusion, we have come to realize that there are types of people in the world:
1) Those who read our materials and immediately feel a strong bond with our community, a sense that they were born to join our Mission, the undeniable belief that this is, indeed, their life purpose.
2) Those who read our materials, scratch their heads and say, “what the hell?”
If you are in Group 2, please accept that you are simply not cut out for this Mission. We ask that you kindly exit our site and clear your browser cache immediately. Perhaps a knitting group or curling league would be a better match for you.