posted by Ginger on Jun 16
According to the Associated Press, a man and his dog drove off a 200-foot cliff in southern England Sunday morning, were ejected from the car, and survived. News reports say the man was found near his demolished vehicle, both legs broken and barely conscious. The dog had left the scene of the accident, but later turned up at the man’s house, hiding underneath the kitchen table.
posted by Ginger on Jun 16
International soccer superstar David Beckham made an appearance in Long Beach, Calif., over the weekend, presenting the Volunteer of the Year Award at the 2008 Special Olympics Summer Games held on the campus of California State University, Long Beach. We at the Team know what Becks was wearing, what he said when he presented the award to one Steve Bolton of Orange County—the only thing we don’t know is why Bolton turned to Becks just after receiving the award, looked him straight in the eye, and didn’t ask him, “Aren’t You Chuck Norris?”
posted by Ginger on Jun 5
A report just came in: The crew of police drama Cold Case was set up at Long Beach Polytechnic High School today. Our junior correspondent on the scene could not get close enough to obtain any hard-hitting evidence. Yet another disappointment. The correspondent in question did approach the crew and boldly yelled, “Hey Aren’t You Chuck Norris?” to no one in particular. At which point, a security guard began walking quickly towards our correspondent, who had to retreat immediately.
posted by Dakota on Jun 5
The Miami Airport has proved to be a fruitful venue for evidence-gathering. Yesterday, on June 4, I bumped into retired NBA star Scottie Pippen amid a packed of weary travelers. Evidence on the scene indicated that it was actually Scottie Pippen (perhaps catching a flight to Boston?) and not Chuck Norris. The opportunity was taken to question Mr. Pippen on whether he had any knowledge of Chuck Norris’ potential move into NBA coaching (see our previous post on this subject). Pippen looked confused at the question and then walked away quickly. It could not be deduced whether he was hiding inside knowledge or not.
posted by The Hammer on Jun 3
In the wake of the completely expected firing of Detroit Pistons Head Coach Flip Saunders, rumors are circulating that Chuck Norris is being courted for a defensive coaching specialist position by General Manager Joe Dumars. Dumars, disgusted with his team’s lack of defensive presence against the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference Championships, is urgently seeking out a solution to help the Pistons regain their “bad boys” image of the 1980s. A source close to Dumars says he was pondering this dilemma while flipping through the channels late at night—he stumbled upon the classic Chuck Norris flick Forced Vengeance and was immediately inspired. Apparently Dumars feels strongly that with the personal guidance of Chuck Norris, his team can gain the mental and physical toughness necessary to (finally) win the Eastern Conference.
posted by Dakota on Jun 1
Team and supporters: I am writing this as I sit in the Miami airport after completing the first leg of my journey. I have good news to share: Correspondent LB is not missing in action as we had thought. He fell out of contact to keep from revealing his identity, and did not have an opportunity to text us the code. It seems that LB, while making his usual rounds, spotted comedian Billy Crystal in the airport and (feeling it was an opportunity not to be missed) bought a first class plane ticket to track Mr. Crystal to his final destination. The AA airline employee issuing the ticket, a Mission supporter herself, placed LB in the seat right next to Mr. Crystal.
Apparently Mr. Crystal (after having consumed numerous cocktails) put on quite a show for the elite AA patrons—pointedly arguing for the superiority of first class passengers over their business and coach class brethren.
Now, could we not say that Chuck Norris is to the regular man as the first class passenger is to the coach class passenger? Based on the evidence provided, isn’t it plausible that this was a true sighting? That Chuck-Norris-as-Billy-Crystal knew of LB’s identity and performed this comedic sketch just to toy with us? Your thoughts?