posted by Ginger on Aug 21
The video associated with this story is being prepped for distribution and will be posted asap here.
We’ve just received new video evidence in our quest to find Chuck Norris.
Imagine this: it’s Wednesday, August 20, and you’re enjoying a drink with several of your key associates at the Boca Raton Resort & Club’s Bar Luna.
You’re in Florida for a conference and it’s been a long day. Through the haze of your martini, you spot someone familiar across the room. You lean forward…is it…Steven Spielberg? No, by god, it’s Larry David! You know, the comedian/writer who was heavily involved in the creation of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.
An ordinary man would’ve shrugged and waved down the waitress for another drink. But this is no ordinary man; this is one of the Team’s top operatives who, along with being a high level executive, has a lengthy list of Chuck Norris Mission credits to his name. He was present at the Flavor Flav sighting and has actually met Chuck Norris in person. While that meeting was 20 years ago, it is the sort of experience that changes you forever, wouldn’t you say? Since then, he has been tormented by an unsettling need to find Chuck again. Read the rest of this entry »
posted by Ginger on Aug 18
So we all know how Chuck Norris feels about illegal aliens and border security. He’s talking about it again in his column here. Notably, he uses the subject to promote his latest book, scheduled for release in September:
The second half of Norris’ article on border patrol actually contains a little preview of Black Belt Patriotism for your reading pleasure.
posted by Ginger on Aug 17
Sources confirm that Chuck Norris has been secretly training Michael Phelps since the 2004 Summer Olympics. Apparently, Norris was disappointed in Phelps’ inability to produce more than six gold medals in 2004. This disappointment was rooted in some old bad feelings Norris held towards Mark Spitz, whose 1972 achievements overshadowed the release of The Way of the Dragon, the Bruce Lee/Chuck Norris movie that is largely regarded as Norris’ first step into movie fame.
Under the careful guidance of Norris, and even perhaps a little Norris intervention on the 100-meter butterfly, Phelps won eight gold medals this time around—beating out Spitz’ record and confirming that the only real star of 1972 was one Chuck Norris.
posted by Ginger on Aug 5
Gizmodo.com reports that the Chinese anti-terrorism plan includes use of an army of Chuck Norris clones. Read the full story here.
posted by Ginger on Aug 4
Who says Southern California was due for an earthquake? Scientists, earthquake engineers…or those employed by the establishment to cover up the truth about what really moves the earth? One theory brought to the Team’s attention is that the recent earthquake in Southern California was the direct result of Chuck Norris anger. Or maybe he just hadn’t eaten his Activia in a few days.
Here’s the theory as submitted by one of our new recruits:
Chuck Norris is not a happy camper. Last Tuesday an earthquake hit Southern California at a measure of 5.4 on the Richter scale. Objects fell and buildings swayed as the wrath of Chuck Norris was released in earth-shattering form. With nunchakus in hand and a scowl on his face, Chuck immediately went to work once he heard the news—that Gameloft was taking advantage of poor souls in an attempt to gain cell phone fame and earn a few bucks at the same time, an action that trivializes Norris’ personal vendetta for Global Righteousness and Fitness. And so the Great One didn’t stand for it when he brought the pain to Californians…
Wait, hold up. Ginger here with a disclaimer: While we LOVE the enthusiasm of our young recruits, the above is not the official Team interpretation of the earthquake. We are still evaluating the evidence we have. Perhaps it was just a sign. Perhaps Chuck Norris was signaling to the world to watch out, watch out for The Mission. Because we represent what is truly good in this world. And besides, the earthquake wasn’t even that big anyways. Not to Chuck Norris.