All I’m allowed to say is that Chuck Norris really does control the Internet. Some of our posts disappeared without my knowledge (presumably our hosting company was involved?) and another post I had to remove myself due to a “request” from Norris’ people. Perhaps they feel threatened by the groundswell we are creating.

When we launched this site earlier this year, we (the Team) accepted the possibility that we would get censored. This is just another obstacle we have to overcome in the fighting for the Mission to prove the Theory of Chuck Norris.

For those who are not soccer fans, Sesay plays for the Los Angeles Galaxy (home of David Beckham) and was one of the youngest players ever to play in Major League Soccer. He’s not a superstar the likes of Tom Cruise or Justin Timberlake, but still, he’s more famous than I am. So rather than come right out and ask him, “hey, aren’t you Chuck Norris?,” I took a more subtle approach. “Do you follow soccer?” I asked. That proved to be an effective icebreaker. From there, I pumped him for information about all of the drama surrounding his team currently: How’s the new coach working out? (he’s cool) Why aren’t you traveling with your team right now? (twisted ankle) Who’s the fittest dude on the team? (Chris Klein) You guys gonna make the playoffs? (we gotta win) …and so forth. His responses were enlightening. But more importantly, the conversation confirmed that this Israel Sesay definitely was not Chuck Norris.

The only thing is, that wasn’t Chuck Norris. It was the Obama Chuckbot. You know, like a fembot, but in the likeness of Chuck Norris.

Evidence indicates that Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey conceived the Chuckbot as a countermeasure to McCain’s astute appointment of Sarah Palin as his running mate. Given the effect Palin has had on the campaign, Obama knew he had to take quick and decisive action. Here’s what we know:

• A witness recently spotted Obama doodling “Chuck Norris” in bubbly, cursive writing on a notepad.
• Joe Biden was overheard telling Obama that it was crucial to get Chuck Norris on their side. It is believed, but not confirmed, that Obama began to cry when he Norris’ name was mentioned.
• Obama had a closed door meeting with Oprah Winfrey; evidence strongly suggests that the pair conceived of the bot idea and funded its development. You could almost say the bot is a love-child of sorts. Almost.
• The bot was sent on a mission to make a fool of itself by picking a childish fight with Arianna Huffington, thus bringing humiliation upon the McCain/Palin campaign.
• Obama was heard laughing maniacally as the Huffington/Norris altercation aired on Larry King Live
• The YouTube Video of Norris and Huffington has received 4,969 views; 4,962 of those were Obama (Oprah hasn’t seen it, because she only watches videos featuring Oprah Winfrey.)

You heard it first here.

Silver Asian carp are not native to the U.S.; they were brought here in the 1970s. Some theorize that a collection of these aggressive fish were given to Chuck Norris by the Chinese government as a peace offering, shortly after Norris appeared in Way of the Dragon with Bruce Lee. Under Norris’ nurturing and care, the Silver Asian carp have evolved in deadly fighting machines. It is unknown when Norris released the carp to the wild, but they’ve been kicking ass ever since.

We’ve just received new video evidence in our quest to find Chuck Norris.
Imagine this: it’s Wednesday, August 20, and you’re enjoying a drink with several of your key associates at the Boca Raton Resort & Club’s Bar Luna.
You’re in Florida for a conference and it’s been a long day. Through the haze of your martini, you spot someone familiar across the room. You lean forward…is it…Steven Spielberg? No, by god, it’s Larry David! You know, the comedian/writer who was heavily involved in the creation of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

An ordinary man would’ve shrugged and waved down the waitress for another drink. But this is no ordinary man; this is one of the Team’s top operatives who, along with being a high level executive, has a lengthy list of Chuck Norris Mission credits to his name. He was present at the Flavor Flav sighting and has actually met Chuck Norris in person. While that meeting was 20 years ago, it is the sort of experience that changes you forever, wouldn’t you say? Since then, he has been tormented by an unsettling need to find Chuck again.

Compelled by his dedication to the Mission to prove the Theory of Chuck Norris, this operative approached Larry David (or Chuck Norris?) and asked him the all-important question, “Aren’t You Chuck Norris?” Larry appeared to be taken aback…but then it could’ve been an act. Watch the video and decide for yourself.

Now, as to why Chuck Norris would be lurking in Boca Raton in the disguise of Larry David is another question. Perhaps it is only an odd coincidence, but the boy who recently made news headlines for fighting off a bear with his bare hands (possibly inspired by Chuck Norris?) is from Boca Raton.

The second half of Norris’ article on border patrol actually contains a little preview of Black Belt Patriotism for your reading pleasure.

Under the careful guidance of Norris, and even perhaps a little Norris intervention on the 100-meter butterfly, Phelps won eight gold medals this time around—beating out Spitz’ record and confirming that the only real star of 1972 was one Chuck Norris.

Here’s the theory as submitted by one of our new recruits:

Chuck Norris is not a happy camper. Last Tuesday an earthquake hit Southern California at a measure of 5.4 on the Richter scale. Objects fell and buildings swayed as the wrath of Chuck Norris was released in earth-shattering form. With nunchakus in hand and a scowl on his face, Chuck immediately went to work once he heard the news—that Gameloft was taking advantage of poor souls in an attempt to gain cell phone fame and earn a few bucks at the same time, an action that trivializes Norris’ personal vendetta for Global Righteousness and Fitness. And so the Great One didn’t stand for it when he brought the pain to Californians…

Wait, hold up. Ginger here with a disclaimer: While we LOVE the enthusiasm of our young recruits, the above is not the official Team interpretation of the earthquake. We are still evaluating the evidence we have. Perhaps it was just a sign. Perhaps Chuck Norris was signaling to the world to watch out, watch out for The Mission. Because we represent what is truly good in this world. And besides, the earthquake wasn’t even that big anyways. Not to Chuck Norris.

(Personally Commando Chuck sounds much more aggressive and badass to me, no offense to those rangers out there.) Either way, you can choose a personality and start fighting communism in Chuck Norris’ new cell phone game: Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. Supposedly, cell phone users get to play the role of His Eminent Soldier for Global Righteousness and Fitness by shooting at dictators from around the world to reignite the furious flames of the Cold War. Wait, I mean, the razor sharp icicles of the Cold War.

Now, Mission supporters, members, and new timers… doesn’t this game seem a little… I don’t know… familiar??? Haven’t we seen something like this before? I think so:

Join the Mission Game

Don’t you see the similarities? Of course in our very own Join the Mission Game we do not have the nerve to place the game player in the identity of Chuck Norris. That would seem to be blasphemy or something. Anyway, let’s not get worked up about this. We should be applauding Gameloft (even though they’re copycats) for launching this new game; it’s rather daring, don’t you think? To go against the Mission and its indefinable power is, well, pretty ballsy. So although it angers me that these money- and power-hungry fiends would steal an idea from fate itself, I have decided not to Bring on the Pain. To send operatives after the Gameloft execs would be to go against the spirit of the Mission. And so we will let it be. We have far greater things to accomplish.