Chuck?

Who says Southern California was due for an earthquake? Scientists, earthquake engineers…or those employed by the establishment to cover up the truth about what really moves the earth? One theory brought to the Team’s attention is that the recent earthquake in Southern California was the direct result of Chuck Norris anger. Or maybe he just hadn’t eaten his Activia in a few days.

Here’s the theory as submitted by one of our new recruits:

Chuck Norris is not a happy camper. Last Tuesday an earthquake hit Southern California at a measure of 5.4 on the Richter scale. Objects fell and buildings swayed as the wrath of Chuck Norris was released in earth-shattering form. With nunchakus in hand and a scowl on his face, Chuck immediately went to work once he heard the news—that Gameloft was taking advantage of poor souls in an attempt to gain cell phone fame and earn a few bucks at the same time, an action that trivializes Norris’ personal vendetta for Global Righteousness and Fitness. And so the Great One didn’t stand for it when he brought the pain to Californians…

Wait, hold up. Ginger here with a disclaimer: While we LOVE the enthusiasm of our young recruits, the above is not the official Team interpretation of the earthquake. We are still evaluating the evidence we have. Perhaps it was just a sign. Perhaps Chuck Norris was signaling to the world to watch out, watch out for The Mission. Because we represent what is truly good in this world. And besides, the earthquake wasn’t even that big anyways. Not to Chuck Norris.

Which one would you choose, Commando Chuck or Ranger Chuck?

(Personally Commando Chuck sounds much more aggressive and badass to me, no offense to those rangers out there.) Either way, you can choose a personality and start fighting communism in Chuck Norris’ new cell phone game: Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. Supposedly, cell phone users get to play the role of His Eminent Soldier for Global Righteousness and Fitness by shooting at dictators from around the world to reignite the furious flames of the Cold War. Wait, I mean, the razor sharp icicles of the Cold War.

Now, Mission supporters, members, and new timers… doesn’t this game seem a little… I don’t know… familiar??? Haven’t we seen something like this before? I think so:

Join the Mission Game

Don’t you see the similarities? Of course in our very own Join the Mission Game we do not have the nerve to place the game player in the identity of Chuck Norris. That would seem to be blasphemy or something. Anyway, let’s not get worked up about this. We should be applauding Gameloft (even though they’re copycats) for launching this new game; it’s rather daring, don’t you think? To go against the Mission and its indefinable power is, well, pretty ballsy. So although it angers me that these money- and power-hungry fiends would steal an idea from fate itself, I have decided not to Bring on the Pain. To send operatives after the Gameloft execs would be to go against the spirit of the Mission. And so we will let it be. We have far greater things to accomplish.

Prior to Jackson’s appearance in the studio for his “Fox & Friends” interview, it is believed that he was listening to some tunes on his iPod while reviewing the latest Mission materials. The combination of influences—will.i.am grooving through his earplugs and the power of Chuck Norris weighing heavily on his mind—stimulated Jackson’s creative power and he wrote a little jig on the spot. When he made the nasty little comment about Barack, it was just one of those uncontrollable outbursts that happens when a song’s stuck in your head. Nothing malicious at all.

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Chuck Norris has dropped the lawsuit against truth-seeker Ian Spector for publishing 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human, the book that attempts to make sense of the Great One. Initially Norris had said that the book tarnished his name through the use of base humor and lewd references. We say: tarnish or polish, what’s the difference?

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According to the Associated Press, a man and his dog drove off a 200-foot cliff in southern England Sunday morning, were ejected from the car, and survived. News reports say the man was found near his demolished vehicle, both legs broken and barely conscious. The dog had left the scene of the accident, but later turned up at the man’s house, hiding underneath the kitchen table.

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International soccer superstar David Beckham made an appearance in Long Beach, Calif., over the weekend, presenting the Volunteer of the Year Award at the 2008 Special Olympics Summer Games held on the campus of California State University, Long Beach. We at the Team know what Becks was wearing, what he said when he presented the award to one Steve Bolton of Orange County—the only thing we don’t know is why Bolton turned to Becks just after receiving the award, looked him straight in the eye, and didn’t ask him, “Aren’t You Chuck Norris?”

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A report just came in: The crew of police drama Cold Case was set up at Long Beach Polytechnic High School today. Our junior correspondent on the scene could not get close enough to obtain any hard-hitting evidence. Yet another disappointment. The correspondent in question did approach the crew and boldly yelled, “Hey Aren’t You Chuck Norris?” to no one in particular. At which point, a security guard began walking quickly towards our correspondent, who had to retreat immediately.

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The Miami Airport has proved to be a fruitful venue for evidence-gathering. Yesterday, on June 4, I bumped into retired NBA star Scottie Pippen amid a packed of weary travelers. Evidence on the scene indicated that it was actually Scottie Pippen (perhaps catching a flight to Boston?) and not Chuck Norris. The opportunity was taken to question Mr. Pippen on whether he had any knowledge of Chuck Norris’ potential move into NBA coaching (see our previous post on this subject). Pippen looked confused at the question and then walked away quickly. It could not be deduced whether he was hiding inside knowledge or not.

In the wake of the completely expected firing of Detroit Pistons Head Coach Flip Saunders, rumors are circulating that Chuck Norris is being courted for a defensive coaching specialist position by General Manager Joe Dumars. Dumars, disgusted with his team’s lack of defensive presence against the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference Championships, is urgently seeking out a solution to help the Pistons regain their “bad boys” image of the 1980s. A source close to Dumars says he was pondering this dilemma while flipping through the channels late at night—he stumbled upon the classic Chuck Norris flick Forced Vengeance and was immediately inspired. Apparently Dumars feels strongly that with the personal guidance of Chuck Norris, his team can gain the mental and physical toughness necessary to (finally) win the Eastern Conference.

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Team and supporters: I am writing this as I sit in the Miami airport after completing the first leg of my journey. I have good news to share: Correspondent LB is not missing in action as we had thought. He fell out of contact to keep from revealing his identity, and did not have an opportunity to text us the code. It seems that LB, while making his usual rounds, spotted comedian Billy Crystal in the airport and (feeling it was an opportunity not to be missed) bought a first class plane ticket to track Mr. Crystal to his final destination. The AA airline employee issuing the ticket, a Mission supporter herself, placed LB in the seat right next to Mr. Crystal.

Apparently Mr. Crystal (after having consumed numerous cocktails) put on quite a show for the elite AA patrons—pointedly arguing for the superiority of first class passengers over their business and coach class brethren.

Now, could we not say that Chuck Norris is to the regular man as the first class passenger is to the coach class passenger? Based on the evidence provided, isn’t it plausible that this was a true sighting? That Chuck-Norris-as-Billy-Crystal knew of LB’s identity and performed this comedic sketch just to toy with us? Your thoughts?