posted by Ginger on Jul 11
Prior to Jackson’s appearance in the studio for his “Fox & Friends” interview, it is believed that he was listening to some tunes on his iPod while reviewing the latest Mission materials. The combination of influences—will.i.am grooving through his earplugs and the power of Chuck Norris weighing heavily on his mind—stimulated Jackson’s creative power and he wrote a little jig on the spot. When he made the nasty little comment about Barack, it was just one of those uncontrollable outbursts that happens when a song’s stuck in your head. Nothing malicious at all.
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posted by Ginger on Jul 10
Chuck Norris has dropped the lawsuit against truth-seeker Ian Spector for publishing 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human, the book that attempts to make sense of the Great One. Initially Norris had said that the book tarnished his name through the use of base humor and lewd references. We say: tarnish or polish, what’s the difference?
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posted by Ginger on Jun 16
According to the Associated Press, a man and his dog drove off a 200-foot cliff in southern England Sunday morning, were ejected from the car, and survived. News reports say the man was found near his demolished vehicle, both legs broken and barely conscious. The dog had left the scene of the accident, but later turned up at the man’s house, hiding underneath the kitchen table.
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posted by Ginger on Jun 16
International soccer superstar David Beckham made an appearance in Long Beach, Calif., over the weekend, presenting the Volunteer of the Year Award at the 2008 Special Olympics Summer Games held on the campus of California State University, Long Beach. We at the Team know what Becks was wearing, what he said when he presented the award to one Steve Bolton of Orange County—the only thing we don’t know is why Bolton turned to Becks just after receiving the award, looked him straight in the eye, and didn’t ask him, “Aren’t You Chuck Norris?”
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posted by Ginger on Jun 5
A report just came in: The crew of police drama Cold Case was set up at Long Beach Polytechnic High School today. Our junior correspondent on the scene could not get close enough to obtain any hard-hitting evidence. Yet another disappointment. The correspondent in question did approach the crew and boldly yelled, “Hey Aren’t You Chuck Norris?” to no one in particular. At which point, a security guard began walking quickly towards our correspondent, who had to retreat immediately.
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posted by Dakota on Jun 5
The Miami Airport has proved to be a fruitful venue for evidence-gathering. Yesterday, on June 4, I bumped into retired NBA star Scottie Pippen amid a packed of weary travelers. Evidence on the scene indicated that it was actually Scottie Pippen (perhaps catching a flight to Boston?) and not Chuck Norris. The opportunity was taken to question Mr. Pippen on whether he had any knowledge of Chuck Norris’ potential move into NBA coaching (see our previous post on this subject). Pippen looked confused at the question and then walked away quickly. It could not be deduced whether he was hiding inside knowledge or not.
posted by The Hammer on Jun 3
In the wake of the completely expected firing of Detroit Pistons Head Coach Flip Saunders, rumors are circulating that Chuck Norris is being courted for a defensive coaching specialist position by General Manager Joe Dumars. Dumars, disgusted with his team’s lack of defensive presence against the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference Championships, is urgently seeking out a solution to help the Pistons regain their “bad boys” image of the 1980s. A source close to Dumars says he was pondering this dilemma while flipping through the channels late at night—he stumbled upon the classic Chuck Norris flick Forced Vengeance and was immediately inspired. Apparently Dumars feels strongly that with the personal guidance of Chuck Norris, his team can gain the mental and physical toughness necessary to (finally) win the Eastern Conference.
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posted by Dakota on Jun 1
Team and supporters: I am writing this as I sit in the Miami airport after completing the first leg of my journey. I have good news to share: Correspondent LB is not missing in action as we had thought. He fell out of contact to keep from revealing his identity, and did not have an opportunity to text us the code. It seems that LB, while making his usual rounds, spotted comedian Billy Crystal in the airport and (feeling it was an opportunity not to be missed) bought a first class plane ticket to track Mr. Crystal to his final destination. The AA airline employee issuing the ticket, a Mission supporter herself, placed LB in the seat right next to Mr. Crystal.
Apparently Mr. Crystal (after having consumed numerous cocktails) put on quite a show for the elite AA patrons—pointedly arguing for the superiority of first class passengers over their business and coach class brethren.
Now, could we not say that Chuck Norris is to the regular man as the first class passenger is to the coach class passenger? Based on the evidence provided, isn’t it plausible that this was a true sighting? That Chuck-Norris-as-Billy-Crystal knew of LB’s identity and performed this comedic sketch just to toy with us? Your thoughts?
posted by Ginger on May 26
Since our recent decision to go public with Mission, we have received many questions about who we are, what we do, why we do it, etc. Hence we have decided to produce a list of FAQs and their answers (we thought about just writing the FAQs, but that wouldn’t be so useful since you would just read them and go, yeah, I was wondering that too) So here goes.
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posted by Ginger on May 9
Last week Chuck Norris expressed his, um, dismay about the Customs and Border Protection’s decision to scrap the proposed, 28-mile virtual fence along the Mexico/Arizona border. Check out Chuck’s angry words here.
Some of the highlights of Mr. Norris’ post include:
“Is anyone really shocked by this security fence fiasco? Another government solution bites the dust.”
“How is it that we can militarily overthrow a government like Iraq, yet we can’t militarily keep illegalities from crossing our borders?”
“It is not a matter of if but when America will be attacked again from terrorists who despise our country and us.”
“We need to quit condoning illegal immigration through couching language and compromising justifications.”
“…a friend of mine has a Texas-tough alternative…All we need to do is to post signs and position manned trucks at key points…Warning: Use of deadly force authorized.”
If the virtual fence is not an option, one has to wonder why our government does not construct a virtual Chuck Norris to protect the border. Perhaps this is truly what Mr. Norris had in mind. Obviously, the proposal to use signs stating “Warning: Use of deadly force authorized” at the border was more of a theoretical recommendation than a literal one — because clearly “la advertencia: el uso de la fuerza Chuck Norris autorizada” or “Chuck Norris no le desea aquí” would’ve been better choices.